Moving forward

“Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts.  That’s what little girls are made of.”  — Bethany Hamilton

Female-Courage-Fighting-Rights-Women

Moving forward from my previous post . . .

It’s still a period of self-revelation and self-realization.  I went through this same thing when my father announced that he had left my mother when I was eight months old because I wasn’t a boy.  His choice was not a reflection on me, yet for years I carried the guilt of his decision

When I went through this break-up five years ago, again . . . the choice of my partner to cheat on his wife, lie to me about his intentions and the fact that he never filed for divorce, and then cheated on me with another woman while we were still together . . . these actions are not a reflection on me, yet for the past five years I have carried the burden of feeling that everything about ME was wrong.

These last few weeks have been very free-ing.  To realize that my way of doing things was not wrong.  My beliefs and perceptions and desires and ideas are not wrong. (They may get me into trouble, but they aren’t wrong.)  I’m still not superlative material, but I am gaining more confidence in my decisions.

Non-distracted thoughts

eb064acd15582971c57986423c1e241b

 

When you have nothing to do but rest and recuperate, with only time on your hands, unless you constantly sleep, you have time to spend in self-reflection and thought.

My previous post referred to “simplicity.”  I haven’t written since then for about 3 weeks because I was giving serious contemplation to how I lost the simplicity in my life.  What happened that I stopped doing the things that made me content?

It was definitely something and someone that happened.  And when it did, I was left reeling.  And without realizing it, I stopped doing what I was doing.  I left it all behind and began pursuing goals that weren’t necessarily my own.  I didn’t realize that I had changed my purpose and pretty much my entire life until my daughter said something about me reaching someone else’s goals.

Five years later, I am realizing the far-reaching effects of infidelity and lying.  It changed me.  It changed what I did and how I did it. I went from being “amazing” and “awesome” to being unworthy of honesty and fidelity.  I went from being cherished and appreciated to being found wanting and “not enough.”  Quite honestly, it pulled the rug out from under my feet.  Coupled with other events occurring at the same time, I suppose I felt I had to change things and prove that I could accomplish things.

To this day I cringe when I hear superlatives used to describe myself.  Honestly, I cringe and get nauseous. Fifteen months of my life was a complete lie.  Not on my part, mind you, but on the illusory comments and actions of another.  Five years to recover, five years of feeling stressed and irritated.

For the past few weeks I’ve sewn, and baked, and cleaned, and washed up like I used to.  In ways I was taught.  The rhythm of stirring and kneading bread dough.  The rhythm of the sewing machine.  Even humming and singing songs that I grew up hearing as I worked — something I haven’t done in that five year period.  (To be honest, there’s nothing like singing while you peg your washing on the line.)  I’m learning that the rhythm of a slower paced life appeals to me, makes me feel content and I don’t honestly care what anyone else thinks about it.  It wasn’t until today, three weeks into questioning what had changed that the light bulb came on and I realized the catalyst.

I’m ready to go back to my old way of doing things.  I’m still the same person, but I feel less pressured to advance or succeed, because I realize I was much happier and relaxed.

 

Simplicity

For some time now, I’ve felt that something has been missing, something akin to a memory. . .a faint idea that was just a glimmer now, fading from my mind. Whether it is the busyness of life, or the effects of the brain tumor or treatments, or perhaps all of it combined.  However, something recently occurred that brought it all to the forefront of life.

Simplicity.

Somewhere between handling challenges, taking care of business, and juggling responsibilities, you may have lost pieces of yourself which you long to recover. Perhaps they were buried and forgotten long ago. Rediscovering is more than just being reminded of these golden treasures. It is being able to excavate your riches by pulling them out, polishing them off, and allowing them to shine again.” — Susan Young

A conversation led to my sharing a website. Sharing the website caused me to peruse it, which led to a search on Craiglist. That search led to a purchase and now I am the proud owner of. . .

A Franklin treadle sewing machine in the original cabinet with all the attachments AND. . .the instruction manual.

And the website that started it all?  Lehman’s