I’m still discovering who I am. . .

Not who my mother said I was,

Not who ex-husband’s #2 and #3 try to gaslight me into believing I was,

And not someone who is pigeon-holed into one area due to training, degrees or work history.

This should be (and will be) a life long process.

My planner from Dragontree Apothecary, “The Dreambook Planner” has helped immensely. I cannot recommend it more to lead to introspection and self-honesty in learning more about yourself and helping set goals.

Before using this planner, I had hopes and dreams and unconsciously I had set goals but never written them down. I’ve learned the importance of scheduling rest times as well as plotting out my work schedules and then setting time around those hours to accomplish more time with family and more time at home.

Admittedly, the questions at the beginning of the planner are deep, very deep and may be uncomfortable to think about answering. But in the end, answering the tough questions helped emancipate me from ideas that had been drummed into my head. It’s okay to have personal hopes and goals. It’s okay if they seem weird or odd to others. It’s okay to feel like you’re the only one who may believe in yourself.

It’s okay to let go of things that haven’t worked, maybe have never worked for you, or were placed as obstacles in front of you by others to impinge upon your chance to shine and be spectacular!

It’s okay to be spectacular!

“It’s better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way.” — Alan Watts

It is funny to me to rediscover things I had consciously (or unconsciously) pushed away in an effort to un-become the person I felt was unworthy. I traded contentment and happiness for overachieving.

I pushed myself to be better, to be smarter, to be more successful, to achieve more academically. Because if I wasn’t “enough” before, surely achieving more would make me more valuable. Or loveable. Or worthy. Right?

And in the process of achieving, I lost myself.

The beautiful thing about every day is that I get to design what I do, to an extent. First of all I get to determine my attitude on waking. Do I want to be happy or sad or excited? I choose happy.

Then my actions stem from my attitude. Simple things such as washing dishes, walking the dog, even sorting laundry. . .these are the things that bring me pleasure.

I obviously have to work, to pay bills, but my attitude towards my job determines how my shift goes. Frustrating things occur in my nursing job but I’ve found that working part-time in EMS makes the full-time nursing job less frustrating. Doing something I love, makes the “have-to” job more palatable.

Doing something I love, even for a short time, has wonderful effects on other aspects of life. Reading a few chapters of a book is not laziness. I don’t always have to be “doing” or be productive to make time count.

Self-care has once again become important. I remember taking time every week to relax in a warm bath. That had gone by the wayside, seeming to be too frivolous. Or perhaps my esteem was so low that I felt I didn’t deserve or hadn’t earned that luxury.

I recently took a trip, sans kids, to surprise a wonderful friend. (Some say you should marry your best friend.) In the past 5 years, travel was relegated to training, work or planning a vacation with the kids in mind. Never solely something I did for myself. And while this wasn’t solely for my benefit, the time away did wonders for my psyche.

This whole process of rediscovering who I am and what makes me happy promises to be exciting and entertaining. LOL

I am designing a life I love!