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Non-distracted thoughts

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When you have nothing to do but rest and recuperate, with only time on your hands, unless you constantly sleep, you have time to spend in self-reflection and thought.

My previous post referred to “simplicity.”  I haven’t written since then for about 3 weeks because I was giving serious contemplation to how I lost the simplicity in my life.  What happened that I stopped doing the things that made me content?

It was definitely something and someone that happened.  And when it did, I was left reeling.  And without realizing it, I stopped doing what I was doing.  I left it all behind and began pursuing goals that weren’t necessarily my own.  I didn’t realize that I had changed my purpose and pretty much my entire life until my daughter said something about me reaching someone else’s goals.

Five years later, I am realizing the far-reaching effects of infidelity and lying.  It changed me.  It changed what I did and how I did it. I went from being “amazing” and “awesome” to being unworthy of honesty and fidelity.  I went from being cherished and appreciated to being found wanting and “not enough.”  Quite honestly, it pulled the rug out from under my feet.  Coupled with other events occurring at the same time, I suppose I felt I had to change things and prove that I could accomplish things.

To this day I cringe when I hear superlatives used to describe myself.  Honestly, I cringe and get nauseous. Fifteen months of my life was a complete lie.  Not on my part, mind you, but on the illusory comments and actions of another.  Five years to recover, five years of feeling stressed and irritated.

For the past few weeks I’ve sewn, and baked, and cleaned, and washed up like I used to.  In ways I was taught.  The rhythm of stirring and kneading bread dough.  The rhythm of the sewing machine.  Even humming and singing songs that I grew up hearing as I worked — something I haven’t done in that five year period.  (To be honest, there’s nothing like singing while you peg your washing on the line.)  I’m learning that the rhythm of a slower paced life appeals to me, makes me feel content and I don’t honestly care what anyone else thinks about it.  It wasn’t until today, three weeks into questioning what had changed that the light bulb came on and I realized the catalyst.

I’m ready to go back to my old way of doing things.  I’m still the same person, but I feel less pressured to advance or succeed, because I realize I was much happier and relaxed.

 

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