Figuring It Out

“Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to figure out what you’re made of.” ~ unknown

The pain may be physical or mental. It may be a combination of both.

Often, during the weeks end, it’s the pain of being away from my children. Trying to fill my time away from the job with meaningful activity. Working on the house helps, but I need time away from the house.

It’s a conundrum — I’m lonely yet I don’t want to be around others. Specifically, I don’t want to be around those who don’t really know me. And those who really know me. . .aren’t here.

Physically, the pain of the replaced knee frustrates me. Running isn’t as comfortable or relaxing as it used to be. My gait is stilted, my rhythm is off, and my foot drags on occasion. Riding the bike is painful until I can get warmed up and find a sweet spot. The slightest shift or movement can change that short-lived comfort immediately to an excruciating sharp pain — either in my bum or the middle of my thigh where the knee prosthesis is screwed into my femur.

But none of this is permanent. Eventually the kids will either be with me or I will adjust. I will eventually find friends in my community with whom I can be real. The physical pain of the knee will be remedied — either by continued use and therapy or by elective amputation.

In the meantime, I am learning my inner strength and resolve.

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