If It’s Not Logical, It Doesn’t Make Sense (to me)

“Science doesn’t have to be this awkward.” ~ Sheldon Cooper

Many times, people don’t realize I’m on the autism spectrum. They would describe me as eccentric or quirky, but never “autistic.” Maybe it’s because I have Asperger’s which is on the high end of the spectrum, or because I’ve learned to imitate and function fairly well. There are certainly some aspect with which I continue to struggle. For those who aren’t familiar with Asperger’s, I often refer to “Big Bang Theory” and the two characters pictured above. I often say I’m not as OCD as Sheldon, but prettier than Amy. (Usually said tongue in cheek because I do not view myself as pretty.)

I realize that my last post was rather vague and open-ended. It seemed so to me, and I’m the one who wrote it. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t like the way I was feeling either. I’m still trying to process events – not that they were bad, but the thinking was not logical and that throws me so far out in left field, it takes some time to recover.

I was angry – that the sentiment given came not from the heart, but seemingly as a result of a FB comment to a post I had made.

I was hurt – because the words uttered made me uncomfortable and frustrated (and extremely nauseous).

I was confused – I’m still confused and I don’t know how to describe it because it just doesn’t make a whit of sense why I have these conflicting emotions in a warring catch-22.

In any relationship, whether it be friendship or family or what-have-you, there are boundaries. These allow for a feeling of safety and acceptance. When I know what someone’s boundaries entail, it helps me — I hate to use the word ‘resign’ – but I resign myself to the comfort level of each individual person with words or phrases or actions. I respect their boundaries. It helps me set my own boundaries with the expectation of mutual respect. When someone suddenly appears to feel expected to say or act in a certain manner that is as foreign to them as if they started speaking a foreign language out of the blue, it has a tendency to upset my apple cart. It’s even more disconcerting when it isn’t MY expectation but based on a random comment.

That outside expectation felt like a rock in a comfortable shoe. While I respect the sentiment expressed and the commenter, they don’t have a place in the relationship. So logically it didn’t matter what their thoughts were or their expectations — they are outside the box. Do not change the walls of the box, do not try to make it a hexagon or a pentagon or a rectangle even. I stay out of their box, they need to stay out of mine. And for the sake of the saints, don’t throw your opinion into my box and then leave — take it with you.

I feel as if I am still leaving this open-ended, perhaps I am. I know I’m still spinning (altho the nausea is better).

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