Subdued

“Stay low key. Not everyone needs to know everything about you.” ~ Unknown

Photo by Mathias P.R. Reding on Pexels.com

I’ve been rather quiet lately. Not that I have nothing to say, there is plenty . . . there are just no words to say it. No one with whom I particularly need to share it.

I’m not mad, not sad, not unhappy. Just busy. I have a lot on my mind; there are many year-end things that need to be done. The holidays are coming up quickly. I have many things occurring that require my attention and time.

Once again, because my personal life is private, I have no need to delve into the particulars of all the things weighing on my mind. There is probably no one single person that is aware of everything going on in my life at this time. There are several who know many and different things, but no one who knows all. That is as it should be. There is no one that needs to know everything about me.

With the barrage of reality television shows, and programs that have tell-all guests, it seems people believe you should spill your guts and air all your thoughts, grievances, or disturbances.

Yes, I share a lot of what I think in this forum.

Yes, I have point blank aired disturbances that affect my family and attracted the interest of the FBI (due to the naming of my minor daughter and the crossing of state lines). This is an arena that I know the offender monitors and was the only available venue I had of reaching her.

However . . .

I reserve the right to take time away when I have things that arise that I must tend to personally. I have jobs that require meetings, and educational outreach as well as the daily business of living.

I also reserve the right to monitor and address my health. I detest drama. My daughter once told her husband, “You know . . . if my Mom had two weeks to live, she wouldn’t tell anyone until just a few days before the two weeks was up and then it would be very nonchalant . . . ‘hey, not to bother you, but if you’re not busy next Thursday we’re going to have my funeral. No pressure. Not a big deal. If you’re busy, I understand.” And she’s exactly correct!!**

When I am busy thinking or overwhelmed with events, I turn inward. Much like my zodiac sign, the crab, I tend to become quiet and introspective. Focused on what needs to be done or the goals that need to be reached, I spend less time on things that don’t relate to those goals. It may be a few days, it may be a few weeks.

I’ve had three people in the last few days ask if I’m upset with them. I’ve talked to each one of them daily. For the love of the Christ child and all the saints, I haven’t felt well and I have multiple things going on that require my attention — I don’t have time to be mad at anyone. Not to mention, if I’m upset with someone, they will know it in no uncertain terms.

** Amendment ** — I usually write my posts and schedule them to be published the next day. This gives me time to rethink and add or subtract from what I’ve written. After thinking about my daughter’s comment – she is right but not because I’m hiding anything. Because I can straight up tell people something without excessive emotion, they are disbelieving, or they aren’t listening or they think I’m joking. Just because I’m not all weepy and dramatic or non-stop talking about something doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Being subdued is just an effort to conserve energy. It was pointed out to me that I have a very logical and analytical mind (it happens with Asperger’s). There are things I’ve been dealing with for 10 years, some for 6 years, some for even longer . . . it is what it is. My MO isn’t to be emotional about events or occurrences, it is to take it in, spin it around and over and up and down in my mind, assess the pros and cons of the situation and figure out a plan of action. If talking about the problem or situation isn’t going to help it or will just create emotional angst . . . I’m out. I’ll be over here dealing with my shit. Call it subdued, assume I’m angry . . . whatever.

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