“Because at some point, you need to start calling the shots. At some point, you need to start believing you know what’s best. Or, I thought with a smile, you just stop asking for their permission in the first place.” ~ Katie Kacvinsky
It’s amazing the revelations that come, and the amount of time it takes to reach them. The fact that it took a song to make me think and realize one of my issues (because we ALL have issues) made me laugh.
I had posted a link on social media to the Bruno Mars song, “When I Was Your Man” in which he lists all the things he “should have” done to avoid heartbreak and the end of a relationship. That post was followed by a link to the Miley Cyrus song, “Flowers” in which she reverses his statements and feels empowered to do all those things he should have done, and ends by saying she can love herself better than he can. True statement for a lot of relationships.
In each relationship, I owned the house. I had ideas and plans for each house.
Enter the problem (from stage left): I was raised with the understanding that in a marriage or a relationship, ideas and plans are discussed and an agreement is reached. My ex-‘s were all too keen to go along with that idea, as long as it only applied to myself. They were free to buy, sell, trade, haggle, bargain, go, do, see – whatever they wanted.
Got a wild hair up the butt to buy a deer feeder using the money set aside in the business tax account? No problem! No discussion. Let’s just surprise the little woman when she writes a check to the IRS and it bounces resulting in fees and penalties.
Decide to sell your truck (that’s paid for) and buy a Chevy Suburban at one of those shady buy-here-pay-here outfits without discussing it — just show up with a different vehicle that happens to be overpriced? No problem!
If I bought shoes, I was questioned as to where I got the money to pay for them. (I work?!?!) If I wanted to upgrade something in the house, or buy something for the kids or pay for an activity for them — I was required to explain why and how the cost was covered.
But it was okay for him to buy a dune buggy and haul it back and forth to Oklahoma to ride in the sand dunes with his friends – no discussion about the cost or the necessity of it.
Even after the divorce was final, I was questioned any time I made improvements to the house, or bought something or the kids mentioned anything. “How much did that cost you? That must have set you back some money!” Narcissistic people do not understand boundaries, so attempting to tell them that it’s none of their business is useless. After awhile the patterns get ingrained in your head. Don’t do anything or you’ll be questioned. Its very paralyzing.
I’m not a stupid person. Not at all. Sometimes I regress and fall back into those same mindless patterns.
Needless to say, “Flowers” has been on repeat the last few days. I’m finding my groove again.