This popped up in my Facebook feed this morning in my “Memories” and it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. The past few days I have struggled with some things; ideas and feelings that have haunted me most of my life.
If I were to pick three items from that list above, they would be:
- You’re worth more than you think you are. At a young age I was made to feel worthless. I didn’t matter, I was unwanted. Nobody would want me. WHY would anyone want me? Those words came from someone who was in a hard place and I was the scapegoat. Easy to agree now that those words were a reflection of the speaker, not of me . . . still, it doesn’t erase the echoes that have followed me through the years.
- You’re good enough. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. My gender. My grades. My accomplishments. My children – oh my gosh, I had girls and I should have had boys. (Nevermind that I was only responsible for half the chromosomal order!) I had a boy and he died shortly after birth . . . what did I do to cause that? (Yes, those words were seriously spoken to me by a family member.) I am now a glorious over-achiever who takes no glory in her achievements. I feel I don’t deserve any reward. There must be a fluke or a mistake, an error that results in my doing something good.
- There’s no one else you need to be but yourself. This one makes me laugh because I am soooo many people: daughter, mother, wife, sister, friend, lover, co-worker, nurse, firefighter, instructor, homebody, blogger, and other things . . . I don’t believe there is one person that knows all of me as a whole.
I find it amusing that following my funeral, which I plan to be a roast where my family and friends who care to join in can share anecdotes, there will probably be many exclamations of “She did what . . . ?” or “Why didn’t I know that about her . . .” or even “Are we talking about the same person?” There’s a quote that I will share below, which I love, because I only share with each person that part of me I wish them to know. Like the icebergs that float in the ocean, there is much more to me than what I show.